Oh, my! My daughter has a dilemma now! Just before Christmas break, she had a "boyfriend" at school and she was pretty crazy about him. However, he does not have a cell phone or a MySpace, so they really only talked in school, not outside of school--and even then, they had different schedules and barely saw each other during the day. Still, they would pass notes or leave notes in each other's lockers, sit together at lunch, and sometimes sit together at school functions(but not often). A few things have occurred: a few times they have been able to sit together and hold hands, a few times they have stood together and he put his arm around her, once he kissed her on the cheek, and, on the day before Christmas break, he gave her a quick kiss goodbye on the lips. As far as she was concerned, that was her boyfriend and all was well! She was very excited about her goodbye kiss, and she was going to miss him during the holidays. He never calls her--not sure what's up with that, he can't text her(no cell phone), he can't instant message her or leave messages on MySpace(no access). Basically, if they are not at school or at a school function, they do not communicate. So, she has "missed him" during winter break and has not been able to have any contact with him at all.
Enter the dilemma: she went skating with her friend the other day. Her friend brought her cousin--a cute 14 year old boy. They hit it off, and my daughter now likes THAT boy. Apparently they skated together and held hands--and talked about "breaking up" with their significant others when they returned to school. Later, my daughter went to a movie with her friend and this boy--and my daughter and this boy kissed several times! For a few days after that, there was a lot of text messaging back and forth between my daughter and this new boy. They both seemed to really like each other, and it seemed that THEY were a new item and the "old loves" were out. My daughter said that she would tell her "school boyfriend" that she was moving on--as soon as they got back to school and they could talk again! This new boy said that he would do the same thing with HIS "school girlfriend." I think my daughter liked that this new boy could text message her and leave her messages on MySpace--they seemed a hot item--for a few days, anyway.
Well, now it seems that things have changed--just a few days later! At first, my daughter was all confused--should I "break up" with the old guy and pick this new one? Nothing was said to the first guy since there is no communication during the holidays with him. Then, she was SURE that she was going to pick the new guy--she took things off her MySpace page about the old guy and put the new guy on there--a sure sign of a break up in the teen world! Things were going good, then BOOM--suddenly, this new guy says that he might NOT break up with the other girl! Oh, boy! So...my daughter then decides that she wants to continue her"relationship" with the old guy! Now, she and the new guy say that they will just be friends!
So, when she returns to school, she has no plans to tell the old guy anything about the new guy. Only problem is, her friend kind of has a big mouth(the new guy's cousin). Now she is wondering what she should do. Oh, boy--the love lives of 14 year olds! There have already been issues with things like "cheating" and "breaking up" and "dating my best friend's ex" among my daughter's friends. But, are those issues REALLY important at this stage of the game? If an 8th grade boy and girl pass notes, hold hands, and grab a quick kiss--does that really mean that they are "a couple"? If one or both of them hold hands with and kiss someone else, is it really "cheating"? If one of them tells the other that they are "moving on," is that really a "break up"? And, is it really terrible if 14 year olds end up "dating" several different people--many of which end up being "a friend's ex"? Oh, boy--we have now entered the REAL world of teen dating, haven't we? Maybe not as serious as it will be in a few years, but still...it is a scary thing!
Here is what I told my daughter--and I was drawing on MY experience as a 14 year old girl: I had a "first boyfriend" who gave me my first kiss(first make out session, really!)--a few days later, he was over it and we "broke up." I felt kind of used, but then again, maybe I used him, too--to get that first kiss! Later, a guy at school sat by me and held my hand a few times--it was kind of developing into a thing, but just starting. Then, another guy who knew my friend from a different school called me, came to visit, and we kissed a few times. For a few weeks, I "dated" both guys--the saying was, "I just want to date around and not get serious." After a few weeks, one guy(not the one at school) asked me to "go with him"--the equivalent of "going steady." I said yes, then I told the guy at school about it--basically, "breaking up" with him and then "going with" the other guy. A few months passed, and we "broke up"--I dated other guys again--a different guy every few weeks. The next school year, I ended up "going with" the original school guy--I also ended up "going out with" the guy who gave me my first kiss! It all ended eventually--and then, my junior year, I started dating my high school sweetheart--we stayed together throughout high school.
OK--so I told all of that to show something: teens, at this age, are very very fickle! They say they "love" someone--they kiss and make out--and then, a few weeks later, they are in the same situation with someone else. And--it is ok!! Actually, this is probably how it should be, because getting too serious too young can definitely lead to more problems. So, I told my daughter(and I tell my son, too)--for now, just relax and be casual about dating--do what used to be called "dating around." It is perfectly fine to like lots of different people--it is fine to go on dates with different people--it is fine to holds hands with/cuddle with/kiss different people--keep it casual! I don't see my daughter's dilemma as "cheating"--it isn't even in the same ball park as grown-up love and cheating. I think it would even be okay to have a "school boyfriend," a "neighborhood boyfriend," a "sometimes get together boyfriend," and even a "vacation boyfriend"--at least in this stage of the dating game. They should probably avoid the "going together"/"going steady" stage at this age anyway. They may say, "that's my boyfriend/girlfriend"--but that is a very casual bond at this stage. My daughter's crush last year(never even kissed) still flirts with her--she tells him to leave her alone because she has a boyfriend. Yet, when a cute guy at the skating rink holds her hand or kisses her at a movie, she quickly tosses the old guy out and welcomes the new guy. And when the new guy calls a halt to things, she goes back to the old guy. Who knows--maybe the old guy had a new girl over the holidays, too! Considering the fact that they ONLY communicate during school, he may even have other girls in other situations, too! And that would be ok!
So, we will see what happens when they go back to school. I think old guy is very shy--much more so than new guy. Maybe the note passing, hand holding, and occasional kiss will continue--or maybe not. And, who knows--there could be yet ANOTHER new guy come along in the next few weeks or months! OMG--this is making me, her mother, very nervous! I mean, my "baby girl" now knows what it is like to kiss and make out during a movie!! OMG!! We are now past the very innocent crush stage--and past the "will he hold my hand" stage--we are now in the "you wanna make out" stage!!!! Oh, please stay in THAT stage a LONG LONG time!!!!!!! I hope we don't move forward to the NEXT stage for a very long time!!!! I will continue to talk to my daughter about these issues--I remember quite well how persistent teenage boys can be about pushing girls into things!! I want her to be strong and stand up for herself--it is HER call, not the boys!! I hope she will be strong about these issues!! I did a pretty good job about that at her age--boys knew what they could and could NOT get me to do!!!! Oh my lord--I cannot believe that I am now the parent of a teenager going through these issues!!!! And this is my "baby girl" we are talking about--my son is ahead of her in this game. Isn't is ironic--when we are teenagers going through these things, we often give NO thought to what our parents would say--and when we are the parents, we want to be SO involved in the issue at hand!! Just let us survive this intact with no serious consequences--that is our biggest goal! Learn about love, experience heartbreak, but please don't do anything that would seriously affect you for the rest of your life! So, here we go--the innocence is over and the scary ride is REALLY beginning!! Hang on for dear life!!!!!
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